Fallen, But Not a Loser

Rachel, 29, was born and raised in Makati City.
We decided to withhold her identity to protect her and the people involved in her story of a wanton life that drew her away from the Church. We gave persons in her story pseudonyms.

Her Story

I COME from a broken home.

My father had an affair with another woman.Unlike other wives who nagged their husband, my mother chose to give my father the silent treatment. This enraged him and he would beat her up. When my mother couldn’t stand the abuse any longer, she  decided to leave him.

I was in Grade 5 then. My mother, my two sisters, and I went to live with my maternal grandmother, where my mom’s siblings and their children also lived.

It was not easy adjusting living with an extended family. To make matters worse, my mom left to work abroad.

Then my eldest sister ran around with her boyfriend and she got pregnant out of wedlock.

Lola, naturally, got mad. She was so angry, she imposed very strict rules that made my sisters and I feel shackled in her house.

At this time, I was seeing Jasper, my boyfriend since my high school days. Following my sister’s mistake, my Lola prohibited me from seeing Jasper.

My sisters and I so longed to be free from our Lola’s harsh rules. So we agreed that soon as we finish school and find jobs, we would move out of Lola’s house.

We eventually finished school,  found jobs, and in 2008, my sisters and I finally moved out and began to live in a house we rented.

Thinking back, I now realize Lola actually meant well. She just wanted to discipline us. She wanted us to concentrate on our studies, to go to church even if we didn’t feel like it.

Going Astray

Far from Lola, I felt so free, I did just about everything I wanted to do. I met up with Jasper and we  engaged in pre-marital sex.

With my work as an excuse, I stopped going to church. Besides, my grandmother was no longer around to check on me.

Meanwhile, things weren’t working out with my boyfriend. He turned out to be such an insecure, jealous jerk. He didn’t want me to meet up with my friends. Afraid to lose him, I obeyed his commands.  To please him, I even rarely visited my family.

Ours had become an unhealthy, dangerous relationship. One day, I caught him cheating on me.  Instead of ending it all, I turned a blind eye and forgave Jasper. But not without making it clear to him that he could not leave me.

“You’re mine,” I told him. “If you leave me, I will kill myself.”

On our ninth year as a couple, I began to take stock of my relationship with Jasper. That’s because I found out he’d been having an affair with another woman.

I found out about Jasper’s indiscretion because one day, I dialled his number and this woman answered, telling me she’s his girlfriend. At first, I thought it was a prank because only the day before, Jasper promised he would buy me an engagement ring!

Then the woman said they have a four-month -old baby.

I fought with Jasper, and demanded that he leave his girlfriend. But he wouldn’t do this, so we fought a lot, even slapping each other.

One day, we screamed at each other, making a scene witnessed by our neighbors.

It was so embarrassing, I finally broke down. And that’s when I finally told myself, “Enough.”

I remember going to a chapel and crying to God: “Lord, I can’t go on like this. I need You in my life. I’m sorry if I neglected You. Bring me close to You. I want to feel Your presence in my life.”

Now, even as I was in despair, I couldn’t help  feeling uncomfortable because the chapel was hot and humid.

You see, early on, I was already longing to go to a place where I could unburden myself. I actually prayed I’d find a cool church with a clean rest room and the parishioners smell good.

The chapel was certainly not the kind I had in mind. I remember telling God, “Please, not this one.”

Finding The Feast

God must have heard me that day because soon enough, I got an invitation from an old college friend to join a networking company. He also invited me to attend The Feast at the Philippine international Convention Centre (PICC).

Longing for a change in my life, I attended Feast PICC in April 2014. And to my surprise, I realized it was an answer to my prayer.

As I stepped inside the PICC, I felt excited. Like a little girl, I marvelled at the place— the lights, the cool airconditioning.

I was like, “Wow! Lord, this is it!”

I just kept attending every Sunday. After a month, I even attended the ILoveLife Retreat for Singles. I learned a lot there as the talks addressed my personal issues. I felt better, exhilarated even.

Straying Away— Again

At The Feast, I met Mike, a friend of a friend. He started courting me, pampering me with flowers and chocolates. I told him about Jasper, and I guess that gave him the signal that I was an easy catch.

I was. Mike got me to sleep with him.  And the day after, I didn’t see him again.

I felt worse than ever. But I told God, “Please don’t let go. Just hold my hand. My trust is in You, Lord.”

Hearing talks in The Feast especially about abusive relationships, I began to have the courage to fight for myself. I decided I won’t let anyone trample on me again.

Mike started calling me again but I blocked his number so he won’t reach me anymore.

In the meantime, there was Danny, this guy in the sales department I worked for. I had a crush on him because he had the qualities I wanted for in a guy –- stable career, no vice, only drank on occasions, with good family background.

An inner voice told me to run away but I liked  Danny enough to take the risk of going into another  relationship. We started dating but I didn’t allow any physical contact.

Then after a few dates, Danny started ignoring me for no apparent reason. I felt dejected.

Meanwhile, my phone block against Mike faltered and so did I. Ignored by Danny, I gave in to Mike’s invitation. I went out with him and we had casual sex. Mike actually became my spare tire. When Danny would set a date with me and later cancel, I’d call up Mike to take me out.

It felt good to feel wanted and appreciated but  such feelings didn’t last long. I felt remorseful, as I knew I was sinking deeper into the pit of sin.

I felt heaviness in my heart. I wasn’t happy with my situation but I couldn’t give up Danny.  Then, on what would be our last date, he began to fondle me, but I resisted. I realized that he was only after having sex with me. He had no intention for us to be a couple. Come to think of it, he never courted me. We just went out, and hang out.

I then realized I really needed to straighten my   life. I gave up Danny and I stopped seeing Mike, too.

A friend of mine advised me to go to Confession. I did, and I felt so much better after. As if a burden had been taken out from my heart.

Confession became the start of my inner healing.

A Work in Progress

Today, I know that healing is a process and there is no quick fix solution to my dilemma. My priest confessor advised me to just hold on to Jesus. He said, “Jesus never lets go of your hand. It was you who kept on letting go of His hand.”

I realized it’s been awhile since I dreamed for myself. For a long time, I had neglected myself. I was so contented going through the motions of life that I forgot to take care of myself, to love myself, and ask what I want for myself.

Listening to The Feast talks, I began to discern what I want. I resolved I would improve myself and so I would take up a short course on personality development.

And immediately, the universe responded to me. Last September, my godfather promised to send me money for the fee for the course. And he said there’s extra to buy myself a nice bag.

After the personality course, I’d like to work on a Master’s degree in Business Administration (MBA) so I can get promoted.

I told my mom about my plan and she was so happy for me. She said she would pay for my tuition.

I used to be content as a call center agent and why not, when I was making good money. But I know I have the potential to become more than what I am now. And so, today I am dreaming for myself.

I’m not afraid to aim high because I know God is with me.

Back to the Church

Despite the mistakes I committed in the past, God has been good to me. I’m glad I got out of my unhealthy relationship with Jasper. I heard he separated from his girlfriend and he now has another child with another woman.

While Mike apologized for taking advantage of my weakness, I didn’t feel his sincerity. Thus, I decided to totally avoid him. Eventually, he got the message. When I see him at The Feast now, he keeps his distance, too. Lately, a mutual friend told me he regretted having done what he did to me.

Sometimes my friends in the office or I myself would catch Danny checking me out looking as if regretting what could have been.

Knowing these things, I’m glad I chose to keep my peace and didn’t resort to get back against these guys who hurt me.

I may have fallen a few times but I’m not on the losing end.

Today, I am a regular attendee at The Feast and a servant of a ministry under the Events-Program cluster. I have also signed up for the formation program for servants.

I hear Mass every Sunday and on days my work schedule allows. I am in awe at how far I’ve gone. I know it’s a long journey to becoming the person God wants me to be. But I’m not afraid for He is holding my hand and I am holding His.