The Fire Inside Me
BY MARY BERNADINE CABIGAO
Hi, I’m Mary Bernadine. Call me Madine for short. I’m going to share a part of me that I
hope will bless you.
In 2011, my parents invited me and my siblings to attend The Feast in SM Valenzuela. My father discovered The Feast because of his friends in El Shaddai who happen to also serve in The Feast. I started serving in Music Ministry in June 2012, together with my family. It was overwhelming and I was thrilled to serve the Lord. In 2017, Feast Sangandaan needed a servant from Music Ministry so my family and I volunteered. Eventually, from Feast SM Valenzuela, we tranferred to Feast Sangandaan. In 2018, I became a worship and a youth leader there. Through the years, I felt the growth when it comes to my faith. It’s always an honor to serve God and I am so thankful that I am able to do it with my family. But then, the pandemic came. I was working in Quezon City and was staying in Bulacan with a relative when it happened.
My anxiety got worse and for almost a year I was away from my family. It’s frustrating and I overthink a lot. Before the pandemic, our family is already fighting some battles and it was more difficult to handle when the pandemic arrived. I wasn’t able to go home. The fire in my heart when I was serving, little by little it slowly died. I turned away from God. I don’t attend church anymore, even online. I stopped serving the Lord. Nawalan ako ng gana sa lahat. I can’t stop thinking about the things that have already passed. I was out of Blessings control. There are so many questions in my heart that can’t be answered. Even the gift that God gave me, I can’t use it to give hope for the people who are suffering in these trying times. I felt like I’m all alone. I felt hopeless. There came a point when I just want to give up.
In December 2020, I was able to go back home and spend Christmas with my family.
It was relieving. Slowly, my heart was filling with hope. I am slowly coming back to God. There is healing in coming home and I am so grateful to God for my family. They are my inspiration and they are the ones who always remind me that I’m not alone. My family being strong and not getting sick in the midst of the pandemic is one of the manifestations of God’s love in my life. My family is the reflection of God’s love for me.
Indeed, God is always with me. And Isaiah 41:10-13 has helped me to remember his promises in my life. “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. All who rage against you will surely be ashamed and disgraced; those who oppose you will be as nothing and perish. Though you search for your enemies, you will not find them. Those who wage war against you will be as nothing at all. For I am the LORD your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you. Do not fear; I will help you.”
The fire that I thought that died when I stopped serving God, I realized that it never did. The fire is always there; the hope is always there. Jesus is the fire within me. He is my hope. And no matter how dark and chaotic the world may be, He will always be the source of my light.
